Movie Review: “2012”
Image from Sony Pictures
Okay, I actually saw "2012" in the theater. Go ahead and get your laughs out now. Hey, how could I resist the delicious man-candy triumvirate of John Cusack, Chiwetel Ejiofor, AND Oliver Platt? Sure, you've got to suspend disbelief like it's going out of style and slow your brain function to the point where you're almost in danger of forgetting how to breathe, but if you can do that for an hour or three, there is actual fun to be had.
"2012" is mainly concerned with two men, underemployed novelist and divorced father of two, Jackson Curtis (Cusack) and brilliant geologist Dr. Adrian Helmsley (Ejiofor), who connect in the most unlikely of ways against the backdrop of...oh, the end of the world. Blah blah Mayans, blah blah solar flares, blah blah enough bad science to make Bill Nye want to jump off a cliff.
Curtis daily endures the contempt of all who behold him: his ex-wife Kate, son Noah, and Kate's Porsche-driving plastic surgeon boyfriend Gordon, not to mention his own employer, burly Russian billionaire Yuri, who seems to have engaged Curtis simply to ferry around his obnoxious twin sons. If you're like me, you were thinking of Cusack's turn as Lane Meyer in the classic 80s teen romp "Better Off Dead" and figuring this is probably exactly what happened to Lane when he grew up.
While taking his kids camping, Curtis discovers what appears to be some sort of government cover-up involving the disappearance of an entire lake and the nutjob ramblings of pickle-addicted AM talk radio host Charlie Frost (Woody Harrelson in a gloriously weird role which only he could play.) Turns out Helmsley has discovered, with the help of some loyal tsunami-fodder Indian scientists, that the earth's core is melting and the poles are shifting and the human race is basically screwed.
But not to fear, President Danny Glover (who in this role makes Mr. Rogers look like Rambo) and Platt, who is apparently some sort of advisor or cabinet member or something, have been cooking up a brilliant scheme to save whatever remnants of humanity can pay *Dr. Evil voice* 1 billion Euros for a seat on one of a fleet of fortified submersible vessels designed to ride out the apocalypse.
Whew! That's a lot of bullshit for one movie. But I really felt like it was a fun ride if you were prepared to just sit back and not ask too many picky questions. The effects are fantastic, and just between us, I was glad to see L.A. crumble into the ocean. I really enjoyed the work of Ejiofor, Cusack, and Platt, who made the best of silly roles: Platt is at his doughy, delicious best, Cusack reflects the lost innocence of a guy who used to play songs really loudly on boomboxes to win over girls, and Ejiofor is amazing as always and really rocks the American accent.
To be sure, there were things I objected to: the tired trope of virtuous Black folk having to save humanity (sailing to Africa, no less); the horrendous science; the shameless manipulation of audience emotions through putting kids and little dogs in danger. But first and foremost of my complaints is the handling of Curtis's storyline.
I liked his character arc, from well-meaning slacker to assertive hero. However, Curtis's growth comes at the expense of a perfectly good man, Gordon, who saves the family with his piloting skills and gets ground into hamburger meat for his trouble. Will no one mourn Dr. Gordon Silberman? I mean, he's a decent man willing to love a divorcee and be a dad to her two kids and I'm sorry, I think that deserves a happier ending. Must billions die so Curtis's marriage can be saved? Sheesh.
There were some moments that genuinely moved me: the president's final speech as he commits himself to remain behind with his people; the gentle chemistry between Blu Mankuma and George Segal as doomed jazz musicians aboard a cruise ship; the simple human moments here and there that bring home the idea of billions of lives, complex and beautiful, ending without warning and for no reason.
Most of all, though, I found myself wondering: what comes after? Say you accept everything the movie says is true. What happens when the arks run aground, when the privileged elites have to fend for themselves (I'm assuming that at 1 billion Euros a pop, not too many folks brought along their staff)? Now that would be interesting to watch. So rent “2012” for the spectacle, for the thrill, for the hilarity of watching zoo animals get airlifted through the mountains of China on helicopters. But don't go in expecting serious cinema, or you'll be sadly disappointed.